Friday, January 30, 2009

Death and Taxes

You know it's sad when you decide you'd rather do your taxes than go to work.

I've checked into Hotel Help for a Mental Vacation.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I totally have a thing for Liv's brother! 

No Variation or Shadow of Turning

The morning started when I took Firefly into the body shop and picked up Norma for a drive around the town.

I woke up not sure of even leaving; the fresh snow bode danger on the drive.  I was wrong. So wrong.

We, my not so fair weather friend Heather and I (don't worry, I know what I mean, and so does she) headed to lunch at Betsy's Sandwich bar in Uncle Harry's bagel shop.  Sooooo good.  Then we browsed Fashion Fair for a few things before heading to Target.

A series of miracles, small joyfilled miracles began.  
*Heather found that she had way more money on a gift card than she thought.  
*And then we went to get free Starbucks.  While encountering some of the nicest and most fun coffee house service I've ever had, we both tried new drinks that we each loved.  
*We went to Borders where we let ourselves spend 10$. I found a book of fairy tales written by Oscar Wilde.  .. to top that off: When I passed the music section a CD caught my eye.  and I randomly thought to purchase it.  a 5$ CD of a band I had never heard before.  I hemmed and hawed, and after convincing bought it, only to find that I had 5$ credit at borders.  So it was free.  And I love the CD! It's great!
*We then went and saw a movie for free.  We saw Bride Wars, which was good but not great.
*off to dinner at Josh's house for quesadillas, then to trader joes!! for fun healthy food! I love it!, More Starbucks (where we ALMOST got the pick of the week early.. if they hadn't been lost), and then took a detour home...
*and then to top it ALL of... WE SAW A LION on our way home.  Driving up the hill we were convinced we saw a Lion take down a deer.  Being the females we are, of course, we turned around and made sure... We totally saw a Lion! How cool!

Okay.  so that was the day. and it was great. and much needed. God is good, and every good and perfect gift comes from Him... and today was a gift.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Wouldn't you know it...?

I just ate a pancake.

I wanted one.
I made one.
and I ate it.

Maybe I'm not who I thought I was. 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

"When you're dreaming of a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part." -John Mayer

I think this is a lie; rather, sleeping is the hardest part.

I'd rather drain my energy, clinging to the last breath of conscious wake.  Slumber brings pain and welcomes unwelcome tears.  The watch-guards take a break and my mind is flooded with anguish, salty anguish.  No, sleep is worse than waking up.  Or rather, falling asleep is worse.

Although, while I've been eluding those moments these days I find that the lack of sleep bodes worse for my soul.  The faculties of caution and filters on my heart are even thiner than their usual opaque. Raw emotion paralyzes me from functioning.  The awareness that I'm nothing, that I live alone and unseen, that God is the only (except in those moments I forget God) washes my face anew with a river of loneliness.  

And then there is rock bottom.  And my mind poetically wonders if that's why people drink their scotch on the rocks.  And if scotch is like tape that people use to hide and fix their wounds.  Menial, temporary adhesive bandages that don't leave room for true healing.

-from a girl wondering where she really is in the scheme of things, because there is honestly little for which she can complain.

well, since you didn't ask...

I'm treading lightly in fog.  Vision blurry, clinging to the hope of "after."  I don't know what to do after. What will I have left waiting, I wonder.

Like a switch.

Psalm 6:6

" I am worn out from groaning; 
all night long I flood my bed with weeping 
and drench my couch with tears."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My Life

DVD Studio Pro.
Final Cut.
and caffeine.

What else do I need, I mean really, what else?

Oh yes. God. and sleep. and maybe food. maybe.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Late Night

I sit here, waiting for a DVD to burn. Yet another late night at work.

It's strange how some nights it can be 7pm and you think it's 11. And other nights, you look at the clock and think: Holey Moley! I thought it was 11! and its really 4am...

Tonight I found myself experiencing the latter. Which is by far preferable. I find that i'm much more productive these nights.

On another note: Church tonight, or yesterday, was really good. It was good to be reminded that only God looks at the heart, and that there is always the possibility of misunderstanding with people. It made me less frustrated with the present sense that no one here sees my heart.

Still working on this whole selflessness thing...however I still seem to fail at every step...

99% done now... I should be going.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Run Forrest Run

I want to run away,
.. to the shore... the buildings... life outside these shadows...

I want to be free,
.....from the pretense
....from the pain
..from me

run free my darling,
and run.


Friday, January 16, 2009

A day off!

Tuesday was a day gifted to me by a loving God.

I started the day getting an estimate on my car after hitting the snow birm, and then the real fun started.

I enjoyed a cup of coffee with a poppyseed muffin at the Revue in the tower district. I tried to read there, but thought I better try to catch up with my friends from Boston, to no avail. So I headed to Fashion Fair where I proceeded to try on things I could never see myself wearing, like a purple jean mini skirt. and here's the thing: I loved it! I think I could pull it off, and I was very tempted to purchase it. But seeing as there is no place for me to wear it, it seemed a waste. ( I have pictures, but that might be scandalous)

Josh met me right about now in the story and we walked around and looked for funny hats and fun T-shirts.

And Then I met Rachel! I love Rachel. We went to Chick-filet (Where we saw Melody! YAY!) At Chick-filet, one of the young men who worked there approached the two of us and asked us if we would like our beverages refreshed, and if he could clear our trays for us. Is this normal fast food employee behavior? or did he just want to talk to us....

Then we went to Bath and Body Works, and Target, and Dinner (w/Josh) and then Grocery Shopping. Now, at Target, Rachel and I were in the nail polish/facewash area, and this obnoxious employee kept asking Rachel questions and generally bothering her. When I told Rach that I was heading to the next Isle, the employee proceeded to ask : "Is your daughter looking for facewash?" Poor Rachel had to try not to laugh... Now do I look like her daughter?

I dont think so either!

The whole day ended with Coffee and super encouraging conversation that reminds you who you are, who God wants you to be, and how hard and worthwhile the inbetween is.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Up and Up

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is where I'll be

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing it entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

Friday, January 9, 2009


Why are things the way they are.
Who to be to make them better.
Clouded thoughts that bite and scar.

Driving home today in my car, that song came on the radio. You know, the one that's really fun to belt out loud even though you never really know what he's talking about.

But the words seem appropriate... loss, anger, pretense:

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had any more to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you.

i'm just done.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Cat and Mouse

There are colors you can't see,
and notes indistinct that mark this soul.
The dressings of exterior mar interior
Don't presume to know.
Don't presume to see.

I'm done with this.
I'm done with you.
I'm done with being here.

I am
and I'm done
and I'm not
And I'm not done

There's a wall.
A decorated one.
And a ladder.

Find it. and Find in.
Lose it and Lose.

Monday, January 5, 2009

.a week.

It's been one of those weeks.
The week that feels like a month.
The week without days, just events.
Filled with a plethora of joy.
Filled with the pain of loss and stress.
The week that leaves you weak.
That makes you weep.
That steals your sleep.
Oh yes, It's been one of those weeks.

But I'd like to take that, and fold it up in a fancy design, and put it in my pocket.In my pocket it will go. And I will go. And it will go with me.

So it would be if so it could be.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Annual Update Tradition

The Idea:  The first sentence from the first blog of every month; year 2008.

January: It's been quite an incredible holiday season so far...
February: I had a great weekend this weekend.
March: Today is a good day.
April: I think yes. yes. emotional week. and yet. I'm still alive.
May: It's been a while. With good reason.
June: No Entry
July: Odd day, Odd weekend really.
August: No Entry
September: No Entry
October: I love walking down the boulevard of a populated area.
November: But where are the Elks? I haven't seen any.
December:There's nothing that makes me happier--than realizing just how far God has taken me, and just how much He loves me.

Tag! You're It!

I'm one of those historian people. The kind that have trouble focusing on what's to come, because they keep their heads stuck in the past. Not that we don't think upon the future, just that it doesn't impact the present very much. So, when I'm approached by a new year, I hardly think about the exciting things to come, or the promise of the future. Rather, I get nostalgic, almost sad and reminiscent as I think upon the past year.

I leave you with this thought: Look at the stars. I've been blessed to see some amazing starry nights before, but none as incredible as this evening. It reminded me that Abraham must have a lot of children....